Update

What have I been up to as of late you ask? Well, not a whole lot, but here's a week-in review submitted for your reading pleasure.

• The Dave Matthew's concert was a smashing success, I think. I'm ashamed to say that I paid absolutely no attention to the performance, but had a great time anyway. The traditional tailgating ritual turned into a frat party about a half an hour into it when it was decided that "shotgunning" beers was in order. That was the downfall of the entire night as I see it. But it was complete with gourmet burgers, peeing in the woods and a visit from some random pot-smoking stranger-friends sporting "Dee's Nuts" tee-shirts. Fast-forward about 4 hours to the concert which included $8 beers, a lost pair of shoes and a French-speaking friend and I running through the crowd jumping over people and yelling "It's O.K.! We Speak French."
• I'm preparing myself for a golf outing for work this coming weekend. My foursome includes myself and 3 middle aged women. All of whom play little to no golf. I've been out golfing maybe three times before, none of which would I ever consider elevated my playing ability. Stay tuned for the embarrassing update and pictures.
• I've been on the hunt for a new place to live with no luck in sight. My current living situation is alright, however I'm growing very tired of living under and over someone. Buying is not an option a) because I have no desire for the financial and physical responsibilities b) I am in absolutely no position to cough up any amount of house-buying cash. My search by word of mouth and online has made me feel frustrated and inadequate on a number of levels and am starting to resign myself to signing over another lease for my apartment, at least for one more year.
• I was told today by a 14 year old that I certainly wasn't the type of person to party or have fun and probably find myself sipping tea instead of "really partying". Actually, I think the term "with your pinky up" was included also. I simply agreed in modest humility and neglected to tell the youngster that I had a hard time remembering my name the previous weekend.
• Yesterday evening, in search for something "Mmm Mmm Mmm Toasty" and over priced, I dropped by Quizno's for dinner. When I asked the kid making my sandwich for the "Turkey Bacon Guacamole" sandwich, his only reply was "Gross", and made my meal in silence. Ok, thanks Quizno's kid, my guamalee was, in fact, quite delicious.
• Along with my housing search, I've also been looking (although with an obvious lack of enthusiasm) for graduate programs to obtain a Master's degree. My specifications are a bit specific, as I want/need an intensive summer program, however, the idea of it all stresses me out to the extent that every time I begin to do some research I have to take a permanent break.
• Over the weekend I watched the entire first season of "Big Love" which I really do love. I'm not sure if it's the creepy/well-written story line or the fact that you're guaranteed a graphic sex-scene in every episode, but I'm definitely a fan of the series.
  

On Guamalee Salad And Other Rants

I've been out of the blogging mode for quite some time, and have had a rather hot-cold relationship with the Peace Train as of late. Perhaps it's my social schedule that is keeping me from the blog or perhaps my lethargic and empathetic attitude toward just about everything except procrastination and alcohol. Either way, I need to snap out of it, and fast. I've decided to start yet another photo segment to my blog. I will be posting the first picture that appears on a Google image search to a word that sticks in my head or funny phrase. (Please feel free to contribute search ideas). I think these posts my prove to be quite interesting.

On a side note, on my way home from work everyday I pass an electronic announcement billboard which is placed there to alert of any upcoming roadwork or detours. However, as everyone in, near or remotely associated with the city is suffering from a Penguins victory hangover, the sign reads today "LET'S GO PEN'S!". This grammatical error magnified to 10 feet of flashing LCD lights is about to peak my annoyance meter. If it's not fixed by mid-week I'm calling PenDot.

The Jackson Cookout extravaganza was again a smashing sucess, replete with the surprise appearance of a man who was my roommate my sophomore year of high school in a summer camp. Youth Scholars Camp to be exact (insert "NEEERD" comment here Jen-nay). I had not seen this guy since then, and am actually quite surprised I made the connection enough to remember that we were in fact acquaintances.

Things I learned at the cookout:

• Pre-packaged hamburger patties contain beef hearts.
  
• In an underground version of "Friend/Fondle/Fuck/Watersports" I get watersports every time.
• Everyone in China has a name that ends in "N". (No formal evidence to back this one up yet.)
• Moms can still get down. (I plan on eating poppies with Mrs. J to get a buzz)
• Ina Garten's recipes are perfect for easy-breezy East Hampton dinner parties AND keg parties.
• Don't wear Magenta. Ever.
  
• The difference between "STOOOORIIIES!" and "stoories = ( "
  

Purmin Some Sugar On Me

I decided Thursday afternoon to take a personal day leave yesterday from work, since I couldn't bear the thought of waking up another morning this week. This extra day gave me the opportunity to head home a bit early yesterday to kick off the Easter weekend festivities.

In honor of Good Friday, it's tasteless offensive joke time!!!

Q: Why did Jesus die on the cross?
A: He forgot the safe word.

In the interest of taking the road of least offensiveness and knowing when to call it quits, I'll let the joke stand on it's own.

Not to be outdone by an early Good Friday, yesterday was also Purim. Happy Belated Purim. For yin'z Gentiles that might not know, check it. According to the article, "Gaily wrapped baskets of sweets, snacks and other foodstuffs given as mishloach manot on Purim day...to friends and teachers." My gay Purim baskets must still be in the mail.

Yesterday at the folk's house was all a buzz in preparation for the festivities. I had to prepare the plastic eggs for the Easter egg hunt today (not impressed) and today was also the day of coloring eggs. Easter egg coloring has never been something I really enjoy, but usually tolerate. My father totally digs coloring eggs, for reasons yet to be discovered, and my nieces get a kick out of it. My only excitement for the whole process is opening the coloring kit boxes first and removing all stickers, shrink wraps or any other traces of a cross or the word Jesus before anyone notices. Speaking of which, another Easter tradition is the white chocolate cross everyone receives from my mother in a basket. I'll post a pic, as I'm sure I'll get one.

In other Easter news, I consumed my first whole hard boiled egg yesterday. It was alright, but I'm not sure I'd do it again. I've eaten hard cooked eggs before, but never just sat down to munch a whole one. Check that off my list.

Note: I had taken several pictures to illustrate my excitement around the house this weekend, but my camera is being a bastard. Maybe next time.

I hope everyone has a rockin' Resurrection Eve!

Cleveland Rocks! (sort of)

I'm headed across the border this weekend to the luxurious destination of Cleveland Ohio (or Ohi-a) to visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I'm kind of excited to go, since I've never been there before, and have heard many good things about it. It's the final part of a class on Rock and Roll and protest music I took this semester with a colleague. When we signed up for the class, we joked that we would stay and rock out afterwards in Cleveland for the weekend, but never really gave it a second thought. This week, however, another work friend of mine said he felt like road tripping with us if we were serious about staying. Since he did his undergrad in Cleveland he'd be a pretty handy travel buddy. And with that, we booked a room and set our plans to go crazy for St. Patty's Day in Cleveland, Ohi-a. I am a little bummed though since it is St. Patrick's Day weekend, and won't be able to celebrate in Pittsbugh with everyone, (even though last year I swore I would never go back to the parade).

Although I did have fun and probably will be back again next year, reasons why I didn't love the experience:

• It was snowing like a bastard.
• I found myself crammed in a port-a-potty with 4 men, all trying to urinate at the same time.
• I was D.D. and had to sober up too early.
• I man with a Mohawk and green pedal pushers on said "Yinz queer?" in all seriousness. (Oh wait, that was what made the day)
• Because I was sobering up I got in a rare but brutal pissy mood.

But yes, I'd do it all over again. There's always next year.

As I was planning the final details of my weekend escape to the great state to our west this afternoon, I received two phone calls from some friends. The first was my former college roommate who wanted to chat before he left tomorrow for two weeks in Jamaica. And the other from a friend who is, as we speak, in flight to spend two weeks in France. I feel bad for them. Neither one will get to experience the exoticness that is Cleveland. And, since I have no spring break, for now it will have to do. Since I'll be out, chances are there will be no blogging this weekend (sorry NaBloPoMo), but I will make up the posts with exciting stories from the weekend to come!

Oh I Love Him!

Ummm Tigger, your Vegas is showing.

Buon Pomeriggio!

Day One of Italian class is complete, and I think it's going to be a success! The class is full of middle aged wealthy people who "Want to learn a few phrases" before their vacations to Tuscany, but I think it will be a good time. There is, as in every class anywhere, the one student I absolutely can not stand who seems to think she knows everything and is much smarter than every person in the room. My favorite moment was when she tried to translate something the teacher said out loud to show off and was wrong. Completely wrong. I couldn't help but giggle like a kid. My friend who is taking the class with me and I have already decided that we are going to be the "bad kids" of the class, and it didn't help that we went for a margarita (or two) beforehand.

I got on Amazon tonight to buy a workbook for the class, and ended up spending 100 bucks impulsively on books I probably don't need. No, definitely don't need. I'm most excited for "Fuck This Book", a collection of photos of signs vandalized with the word "Fuck", and I also bought another book from Post Secret. Jen-nay turned me on to the website/blog and I instantly loved it. I've decided I'm going to start my own collection of the books.

I have more stories to post about a current temporary roommate but don't have the time/energy to post now. Stay tuned.

Hey, Thanks For The Shitty Gift! Now Where's My $10?

My final family Christmas party just wrapped up a few hours ago which for me marks the official end of the Christmas Season. (About God dammed time. sorry Jesus). The Christmas gathering with my father's side of the family is always an interesting one and usually pretty entertaining considering that, unlike my mother's side of the family, there are people close to my age, people who drink and people who have a generally hysterical sense of humor. One of the traditions for this family is to do a "Dirty Santa" gift exchange where everyone brings a $10 gift, puts it in the center and draws numbers to see who picks the gifts first. When this tradition started the gifts were tame, but as the years progressed the gifts got funnier and raunchier. I rememberer one year in particular when I got a can of SPAM, soap on a rope and a pack of Kool cigarettes. Apparently this year however, most people decided that it was time for nice (or at least decent) gifts instead of the traditional tacky gags. This would be fine, IF SOMEONE TOLD ME. I opened my gift, a 6-pack of Yeungling beer and a box of chocolates. Pretty nice. Someone opened my gift, a life-sized plastic hand with a tube connected to a squeeze pump. Squeeze the pump and the middle finger on the hand shoots up. Oh, and there's a suction cup on the bottom to "attach to car windows" (so says the package). To me, that's funny. To someone expecting a $10 gas card, not funny. The only solace I can take is that my aunt and father both bought delightfully tacky gifts also, so at least I wasn't the only one. Next year I'm just putting 10 bucks in a card and saying "To hell with it".

Ahh The Multiple Family Dwelling Life...

This morning on my way out to run some errands, (how I wish I could say on my way out for my morning jog or something of the like. Sounds much better doesn't it?) I noticed yet another magnetic character added to the mailbox diorama in my hallway. I find these figures a complete riot and wish I knew who put them there. There are no kids living in my building full time, but none of my neighbors seem to know the culprit, or at least are not willing to own up to the deed. I really enjoy that they are mail carries and one over sized armadillo looking creature. Maybe it's my mail carrier herself, which would also be funny, in fact, probably funnier. I think this afternoon before I leave I'm going to place the figures in a compromising pose and see what happens. I'll update with pictures.

In other apartment living news, a picture frame was knocked right off my living room table because my downstairs neighbors are BLASTING a Johhny Cash CD. I think it's time I have a little chat with my classic country friends.

Always an Experience...ALWAYS.

I had to make an emergency grocery trip this evening to WalMart because I came home for work today to a refrigerator standing wide open, and I had to throw away everything in it. Ok, Thanks NyQuill for making me so groggy at 6:30 am. Shopping at WalMart always puts me in a pissy mood anyway, but tonight's antics really pushed me over the edge.
It began before I even got in the door when a man from the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review attacked me with a free newspaper. When I politely declined, he said in a tone I took to be a little snide "What, don't you like free things?" Normally I would have had a cute little comment back, but thought better of it tonight, for fear I might snap. So I ignored him, and walked in. Flashforward to the dairy case for some milk, one of my last items. DIRECTLY in front of the milk I usually buy was a mother and her middle school-aged daughter practicing pirouettes. I thought it would stop at one spin, but they just kept doing it over and over and giggling the whole time. This INFURIATED me. "Hate to break up the dance party, but could I get my milk please?" At this, they both stopped and gave me a simultaneous rude look and stepped back.
I made a stop in the condiment aisle to pick up some pickles, but was completely blocked out by a white trash family deciding whether or not they should purchase the 2 gallon size Miracle Whip (I'm not kidding). Finally, I made my way to the checkout. As I swiped my credit card, a large bubbly middle-aged woman walks right up to me, pushes my cart out of the way, bends down and says "I spy something!" I looked down, not exactly sure what was going to happen to me next, and she begins to try (with no luck) to pick up a penny someone had dropped. When she finally captured it after 30 seconds, she realized that it was face-down, therefore sure to bring bad luck, and threw it back on the floor in front of me.
Really? Is this the kind of ridicule I must face when doing my grocery shopping at a discount mega-mart? You may roll back your prices WalMart, but you seem to roll out the red carpet for everyone on the green bus.