Strange Weekend Happenings

Strange Happening FRIDAY:
Happy Hour with several colleagues at the usual watering hole. Everything seemed business as usual, until the waitress brought out a basket of chips with strange suggestive filigree adornments. I'm not sure what kind of snacks this bar is pushing, I'll let you be the judge of that, but it sure brought a smile to my face. These images also brought on a long discussion of a possible book compilation; photos of porn in unexpected places. Expect to see it in stores by next Christmas.
Strange Happening SATURDAY:
After a long day of car shopping with my parents, a night out was in order. Unfortunately, I had missed the Jackon sister caravan to karaoke, but a friend called me Saturday night and invited me to a beer festival being held at a German club in Pittsburgh. The only information I got was that it was a private German club, but was open to the public tonight and there would be German beer. That's all the information I needed. I was in. When he and I arrived, we were greeted in the parking lot by a young man on a cellphone in full Leiderhosen regalia. I knew this would be a good night. Perhaps the strangest and most awkward portion of the evening was when a traditional mens dancing troupe of about 12 took the floor to perform a dance that can only be described as standing 69-position ass slapping in synchronization. Whatever you're picturing is pretty accurate. (Unfortunately I didn't think to take a picture for the new photo book to be published). About 3 pitchers of lager and several German toasts later, I found myself in the after hours Rathskeller drinking with the locals (after we got kicked out once for not being members).Strange Happening SUNDAY:
As I was flipping through the channels yesterday, a caption under John McCain caught my eye on CNN. I certainly think this a valid and winning promise for the next president.

Also, saw this bumper sticker in the grocery store parking lot. I'll let this one speak for itself.

...'Cuase I'm A Creep...

As you may or may not know, Monday evening was the coveted Radiohead concert attendance by yours truly and a couple colleagues in Cleveland. The concert was nothing short of amazing. Even if you're not a Radiohead fan, the lighting effects and random shower busts of hundreds of glow-sticks from the back of the venue alone would have left you in amazement. I also remained surprisingly sober (based of the previous concert attendances this summer, that is something of a feat) and I'm glad I did. The show was sold out, so we were packed in like sardines, but once Thom Yorke and gang took the stage, it didn't much matter. My 2 beefs of the evening:

• No Karma Police, which I was expecting at least as an encore. Although "Paranoid Android" (or Paranoid Andrew as it is sometimes called) made a surprise early appearance in the show, to which I went crazy.

• When we returned to my vehicle in the parking lot (which we had a hell of a time finding) we hung out, tailgated some more, listened to my car stereo and waited for the traffic to lighten up a bit. At 1 am, packed up and ready to go, my car was dead. Like really dead. Luckily there were some good drunk Samaritans there to help us out.

Besides the two mini-disasters, the show was awesome and I'm ready for the next Radiohead show.

	Radiohead - Karma Police
	Found at skreemr.com

Update

What have I been up to as of late you ask? Well, not a whole lot, but here's a week-in review submitted for your reading pleasure.

• The Dave Matthew's concert was a smashing success, I think. I'm ashamed to say that I paid absolutely no attention to the performance, but had a great time anyway. The traditional tailgating ritual turned into a frat party about a half an hour into it when it was decided that "shotgunning" beers was in order. That was the downfall of the entire night as I see it. But it was complete with gourmet burgers, peeing in the woods and a visit from some random pot-smoking stranger-friends sporting "Dee's Nuts" tee-shirts. Fast-forward about 4 hours to the concert which included $8 beers, a lost pair of shoes and a French-speaking friend and I running through the crowd jumping over people and yelling "It's O.K.! We Speak French."
• I'm preparing myself for a golf outing for work this coming weekend. My foursome includes myself and 3 middle aged women. All of whom play little to no golf. I've been out golfing maybe three times before, none of which would I ever consider elevated my playing ability. Stay tuned for the embarrassing update and pictures.
• I've been on the hunt for a new place to live with no luck in sight. My current living situation is alright, however I'm growing very tired of living under and over someone. Buying is not an option a) because I have no desire for the financial and physical responsibilities b) I am in absolutely no position to cough up any amount of house-buying cash. My search by word of mouth and online has made me feel frustrated and inadequate on a number of levels and am starting to resign myself to signing over another lease for my apartment, at least for one more year.
• I was told today by a 14 year old that I certainly wasn't the type of person to party or have fun and probably find myself sipping tea instead of "really partying". Actually, I think the term "with your pinky up" was included also. I simply agreed in modest humility and neglected to tell the youngster that I had a hard time remembering my name the previous weekend.
• Yesterday evening, in search for something "Mmm Mmm Mmm Toasty" and over priced, I dropped by Quizno's for dinner. When I asked the kid making my sandwich for the "Turkey Bacon Guacamole" sandwich, his only reply was "Gross", and made my meal in silence. Ok, thanks Quizno's kid, my guamalee was, in fact, quite delicious.
• Along with my housing search, I've also been looking (although with an obvious lack of enthusiasm) for graduate programs to obtain a Master's degree. My specifications are a bit specific, as I want/need an intensive summer program, however, the idea of it all stresses me out to the extent that every time I begin to do some research I have to take a permanent break.
• Over the weekend I watched the entire first season of "Big Love" which I really do love. I'm not sure if it's the creepy/well-written story line or the fact that you're guaranteed a graphic sex-scene in every episode, but I'm definitely a fan of the series.
  

On Guamalee Salad And Other Rants

I've been out of the blogging mode for quite some time, and have had a rather hot-cold relationship with the Peace Train as of late. Perhaps it's my social schedule that is keeping me from the blog or perhaps my lethargic and empathetic attitude toward just about everything except procrastination and alcohol. Either way, I need to snap out of it, and fast. I've decided to start yet another photo segment to my blog. I will be posting the first picture that appears on a Google image search to a word that sticks in my head or funny phrase. (Please feel free to contribute search ideas). I think these posts my prove to be quite interesting.

On a side note, on my way home from work everyday I pass an electronic announcement billboard which is placed there to alert of any upcoming roadwork or detours. However, as everyone in, near or remotely associated with the city is suffering from a Penguins victory hangover, the sign reads today "LET'S GO PEN'S!". This grammatical error magnified to 10 feet of flashing LCD lights is about to peak my annoyance meter. If it's not fixed by mid-week I'm calling PenDot.

The Jackson Cookout extravaganza was again a smashing sucess, replete with the surprise appearance of a man who was my roommate my sophomore year of high school in a summer camp. Youth Scholars Camp to be exact (insert "NEEERD" comment here Jen-nay). I had not seen this guy since then, and am actually quite surprised I made the connection enough to remember that we were in fact acquaintances.

Things I learned at the cookout:

• Pre-packaged hamburger patties contain beef hearts.
  
• In an underground version of "Friend/Fondle/Fuck/Watersports" I get watersports every time.
• Everyone in China has a name that ends in "N". (No formal evidence to back this one up yet.)
• Moms can still get down. (I plan on eating poppies with Mrs. J to get a buzz)
• Ina Garten's recipes are perfect for easy-breezy East Hampton dinner parties AND keg parties.
• Don't wear Magenta. Ever.
  
• The difference between "STOOOORIIIES!" and "stoories = ( "
  

It Rocked...a little too hard

I made it back from Cleveland this morning to the tune of an incredible hangover and complete exhaustion. Which alludes to the fact that I did in fact have quite a good time in the city last night. I was a bit disappointed in the bar scene though, at least the ones we went to. Not too many people out, no real good music and no one really celebrating St. Patrick's Day. The occasional green shirt or shamrock pin made an appearance, but green beer was nowhere to be found. A real bummer. Apparently all the St. Patrick's Day festivities take place tomorrow. We did stay in an awesome hotel, which was a bit luxurious for a place to crash, but I decided to splurge. Some of the highlights of the evening include playing flip cup with a group of kids from Ohio State in a bar, ordering shots of Jamison and getting served rocks glasses filled with whiskey by mistake, and consoling a drunk woman outside because of her baby daddy drama. The museum also was quite cool and something I'm glad I saw. I think the highlights from that portion of the trip would have to be Kurt Cobain's guitar and a hand written version of "Psycho Killer" by the Talking Heads. A jam to end all jams. I hope everyone had a great time with all the goings on this weekend, and remember to wear green tomorrow (if you're horny).

	Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
	Found at skreemr.com

Tales From The Crypt

Well, I've made the voyage back to my parents house to visit for the weekend, and in my 15 short hours at home it's already been quite an interesting experience. Last night when I arrived, my parents and I decided to go to dinner to this small restaurant close to their house. I have always liked going to this place and the food is very good. It used to be a speakeasy during prohibition and the decor of the place has changed very little since then. (literally) When we got there, around 8 or so, the bar area was already full with the local drunks, which is always a highlight for me. Halfway through dinner my dad started to regale me with stories of his drinking days with "Birdman", a shifty looking man halfway sitting on his stool. And how he and "Birdman" and "Smoker" and "Chunky" used to come to that very bar well before their legal drinking age. (Which, coincidentally, I too can remember imbibing at this bar before my legal age). Then a man named "PeeWee" bought our table a round of drinks, and no one really seemed to know who "PeeWee" was. Ok, thanks for the beer PW!
At some point after arriving home my whole family feel asleep in front of the TV, and I woke up to a Marlon Brando movie at midnight.
Flash forward to this morning. My grandpa and I went out for breakfast at the town's one and only restaurant. The place is always filled with locals for breakfast, usually my grandpas age. Mixed in with our conversation I couldn't help but overhear other table's conversations which included topics such as how a black Muslim or a woman would never be good enough to run our country, the obscene number of abortions that happen and what needs to be done to stop it, and how the cold is really "doin' a number" on the local farms and cows. NOW I remember why I wanted to move far, far away. I also had the opportunity to listen to a conversation between the man who used to drive the bookmobile when I was en elementary school and his friend about flat chested women. Oh, and I forgot I had to park my car (with anti-republican propaganda bumper stickers) in between a large truck with a gun-rack and bumper sticker that said "I am the NRA and I support the President and the troops" and a small pick-up with a "G.W. Bush again in 2008" bumper sticker. Um, I'm getting the hell out of here. Now, I must say although the majority of my morning had to deal with hickish rightwinger bullshit, it's not usually the case the entire time. I guess it was just my lucky day.

Sandra Lee A'int Got Shit On Me

What I believe to be a result of heavy drinking all weekend and no sleep lowering my immunity, I've seem to come down with the flu in the past two days. Of course, working with little germ factories doesn't help either. So I've been popping the Vitamin C and Zicam in an effort to ward off the sickness. Because it's a super busy time of the semester I'm unable to take any time off this week, so needless to say I've been a miserable bitch at work, which is fun for everyone involved. I actually quoted the great sage Julia today when complaining to one of my colleagues "I can't stop bitching!". I am however feeling a bit better tonight and have regained some of my appetite.

Right before I got sick I made a very delicious pan of Stuffed Shells Florentine, which I had been unable to enjoy until this evening. And let me tell you, they were quite YUM-MO! I'm not quite sure what possessed me to make them, and I'm even more puzzled why I had all the ingredients chilling in my kitchen. I think my mother was a bit baffled also, because when I called her to ask her how to make them (which I do for almost everything I cook because I'm usually pretty clueless) she informed me that Sam's Club has excellent stuffed shells in the freezer section instead of giving the recipe.

In other recipe news, I decided to take Elisabeth's advice, and made an awesome meal last week. It was my spin on chicken Marsala with portabello and porccini mushrooms, aspargus and orecchiette pasta in a wine sauce with chicken. It was quite good, and pretty. And as any good chef will tell you, you eat with your eyes first! So I am trying to learn to cook my own gourmet meals, and not be at the mercy of other for a yum-mo meal.

The stray kitty has not been back. Or, that I have seen I guess I should say, since I did see kitty tracks in the snow on my porch yesterday, but no cat. This elates me, because, although I feel bad for the thing in this cold weather, I would not be able to handle it hanging and meowing at my place all the time.

Ummm, Dreby, It's Only Monday.

So yesterday I invited some work friends over for a beer or two and some snacks. About halfway through the Oktoberfest case, I pull out a bottle of ApfelKorn apple schnapps, which I had bought to make spiked apple cider. (The helpful man at liquor store informed me when I bought it that if I bought plum brandy "the girl's panties would fall off faster". Ok, thanks.) When the ApfelKorn came out, my friend who teaches German, just started laughing. Not understanding the laughs as disapproval but encouragement, I proceeded to pass out several rounds of the schnapps then moved to Southern Comfort. By that time everyone was feeling pretty uninhibited and began salsa dancing in my kitchen. But, I guess I had the last laugh, since I found my head in the toilet at 7:30pm. Nice.

General Musings

Since I have been gone for a while, and don't have anything particularly interesting to post, here are a few things that are on my mind/happened to me lately.

• First, and sadly probably most exciting, a middle aged man called me a "greedy bastard" from his pickup truck yesterday. No matter how true that may be, he was a complete stranger and has no right making such assumptions without ever seeing just how greedy or bastardly I can be.
• I'm very excited to see the new movie Elizabeth:The Golden Age. I can't remember the last time I went to the theater to see a movie, and it always seems like a fun novel thing to me. I need to get out more.
• I broke a very solemn vow I made to myself this weekend and watched Evan Almighty with my mother this weekend. Every time I see my her she brings up the movie, as a sort of insinuation that she wants me to watch it with her. So I broke down and watched it with her. Not bad, but I lost interest and fell asleep well before half way in.
• Along with the movie, I discovered a new decadent delight, Ben and Jerry's Crème Brûlé ice cream. A completely intense experience.
• After some heavy coercing and a guilt trip by my grandfather, I accompanied my parents to church on Sunday. The first time since Christmas at least, and quite possibly the last. Just when I thought I had survived the worst of the service, the pastor pulls out the "anointing oils" and "praying chair" and turned the quiet little church into something off of the Cornerstone Broadcasting Network. Suffice it to say, I do not plan on going back for quite sometime, and my mother is well aware of that fact.
• Work is still currently nonexistent for me, and it appears it will stay that way for quite a while.
• My new favorite seasonal beer is Penn Brewery's Oktoberfest, thanks to a fellow alchy out of work colleague.
• I'm currently watching the Law & Order SVU where Mark Paul Gosselaar is "gay for pay".
  

I think that's enough droning for now. More updates soon.

To Wii or Not To Wii, And Other Weekend Quandaries

This weekend, my good friend Shelby came down to visit. Upon her arrival we decided I should buy a Nintendo Wii. I couldn't warrant shelling out the $250 for something I know I would never use (even though we went to three different stores and looked at them, and I have ranted about how much I would love to have one). So we went to Mad Mex, had three "Big Azz" margaritas and stumbled home to put a pretty decent dent into our bottle of Southern Comfort.

This morning, Shelb and I carried out my traditional Sunday ritual by getting something to eat and shopping. It was an uneventful shopping trip, and came home empty handed. So, after she left, I decided I just hadn't spent enough money this weekend, and headed out to buy a futon couch for my spare room (which, by the way, I have made pretty good progress in cleaning out). A few hours, one bloody finger and many "FUUUCK"s later, voila, the new and improved spare room/office/sitting room/parlor:

I think it might be a little big for the room's current arrangement of desk, file cabinet and bookshelf. But I'm pretty confident that with a little rearranging it will work. I did promise an update of the room, so let's take a look at a before pic, shall we?
New dilema in my apartment, my sliding glass door in the living room doesn't lock anymore. I think this may be a little too much for Handy Andy, so I guess the real handy man will have to come take a look at that. And hopefully do something about the nice hole in my screen door a guest put there last weekend. Ok, thanks!

Karma Police

Well the holiday weekend is winding down, which means back to work tomorrow. My weekend was enjoyable yet uneventful, as most time spent at my parents is. I did survive my cousin's wedding on Saturday, which turned out to be one hell of a time; while it lasted. I found it INSANELY annoying that the wedding and reception were approximately 1.5 hours away from each other. The ceremony was quick, and it was off to the party. A very casual affair with an open bar (my favorite) I wasted no time, and was drunk in about 2 hours. It also helps to have a fun family that drinks. By the end of the evening I was slurring my speech and jitterbugging with my sister. And that's about all I remember. My one peeve about the evening: Lights on-everyone out at 10 PM! I was just getting started. But perhaps it's better. After seeing the shape of everyone there, I think if it lasted all night, we would have ended up in the hospital.

Sunday morning I woke up with a headache and headed out with a friend to Lily Dale Assembly which is about 45 minutes from my parents house. Lily Dale is the largest Spiritualist community in the country. People like John Edwards (the psychic, not the homophobe presidential candidate) and Sylvia Brown give lectures there. It is a gated community of mediums, psychics and Spiritualists with a pretty interesting vibe. I don't really believe in psychics or Spiritualism for that matter, but I have always wanted to check this place out, as I have lived in the area all my life and never been there. Since Sunday was the last day of the season, things were pretty quiet, and I didn't even go to a personal reading; something I regret now, but still can't warrant shelling out the 60 bucks to do it. I'm planning to make another trip up there next summer when I can organize and coordinate it a little better. The day wasn't a complete loss, since it was beautiful out and it is a very charming community to stroll around in.

My weekend concluded with a family picnic at my parents house today, and the 3 hour hike back home. Stay tuned for Travel Tuesday and more rants!

Wedding Bell Blues

As I was making the 3 hour trek home to my parent's yesterday for my cousin's wedding, I couldn't help but think about how much I detest weddings. To me, weddings are a somewhat archaic and out of date tradition. It's sort of like pissing out your territory. And I'm not even going to BEGIN the debate on marriage equality. Another post completely. I keep wondering what an overpriced affair in front of 200 people (150 of which are there for the free meal) has to prove. According to a yahoo.com poll, the average cost of a wedding in 2007 can range anywhere from $10 to 20,oo0, NOT including the honeymoon or divorce court fees. Cost of a quarter tank of gas to your local JP: 5 bucks. According to irw.org, the average cost of feeding a starving person in Niger is about $12 a month. Which means, by America's standards, a strictly average 20K wedding could feed a starving child for over 137 years. But, in all fairness, there can never be too much white organza.

Here are some tips for surviving or dodging the ever dreaded wedding affair.
Bring a date who will drink.
Nothing is worse than drinking alone, and if you're at a boring wedding by yourself, you won't have much choice will you? Also, especially for family weddings, it's important to bring a date. Being one of the ONLY single people in my family, weddings seem to be a time for everyone in their love high euphoric state, to discuss when MY wedding will be, and then show the obligatory "My God, I'm so sorry your life sucks" look when they find out I'm STILL single.

Know the tone of the reception.
Nobody likes a dry reception, it's boring, useless and not to mention tacky.
Open Bar = Hold the luke warm buffet, I'm drinking my dinner tonight.
Dry Reception = Drop your card in the white satin wishing well and head out the door to the nearest shot of Jack Daniels.

Always dance with a grandma.
Dancing grandmas are the greatest, and they love it when you dance with them too. So what if you smell like Aspercreme afterwards? it's a great photo-op. And besides, you'll be too drunk to care anyway.

No, it's not O.K. to tap your wine glass.
Nothing pisses me off more at receptions than people who think it's cute to watch the bride and groom kiss in response to everyone clinking their glasses for the 100th time. It's not cute, it's not funny and it's incredibly annoying. So encourage everyone at the pitied singles table to boycott this tradition.

Skip the bubble blowing ceremony afterwards.
When the overly cute flower girl offers you a Dollar Store mini bubbles bottle wrapped with thin pink ribbon and a patronizing poem at the church door, say "Ok, NO thanks" and go straight to the reception (see rule 2) grab a plate full of cookies and nice stiff drink. People would have more fun if the little neighbor girl was passing out vodka shooters instead.

Find the Black-Sheep of the bride or groom's family and befriend them.
Every family's got one, and they're usually the most fun. They're typically not too hard to spot. It's probably the uncle that's slurring his speech with strangers and talking about the time he got slapped by a stripper, or the sister who is dancing by herself and spilling her beer. Initiate a conversation with them, and you may find yourself out behind the dumpsters sharing a joint and some pretty interesting conversations.

Follow these simple rules, and your wedding experience should be less painful. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

I See High People

I found his article is from thesmokinggun.com which may just be too good to be true:
Actor Haley Joel Osment was charged with drunk driving and marijuana possession after he crashed his 1996 Saturn station wagon while returning home from a Los Angeles concert in July 2006. The 18-year-old Osment, who starred as the boy who saw dead people in "The Sixth Sense," suffered minor injuries in the accident and was briefly hospitalized. Osment, who posed for a mug shot snapped by an L.A. sheriff's deputy, was released from custody after posting a $15,000 bond.

Not that driving drunk and crashing your car is a good thing at all, but when did the kid you wanted to slap across the room in Pay it Forward suddenly turn into someone you want to party with? And a 1996 SATURN? Must have blew all that Hollywood kid cash at Chuckie Cheese's. Or maybe just pot.

Everything I Need To Know I Learned From The Bathroom Wall

You know you're in a real top-notch place when they actually encourage you to write on the bathroom walls. Here are some wise little bits I came across last night written by sleazy drunk men who think they're clever. Enjoy!

• Your mom told me to tell you "hi".
• She drink the cum out of the condon
  
• SlUT*
• Talk to the Darmy
• How do you make the ugliest baby?
• Let's ask your mom and we'll find out
• FUCK U R DAD
• Shibby
• LOYALTY