How Rude!

Since when did the blatant lack of common courtesy become the social norm? I've never understood how some people manage to go about their daily lives completely unaware of their sheer rudeness. I base this post on the happenings today while running errands.

It all starts as I arrived at the car garage for my 11 am oil change appointment. As I approached the entrance, I hesitated to open the door as I saw on the other side of the glass an 18-month old named Ethan (I know these facts because while I was waiting for my car I began eavesdropping on the conversations with Ethan's mother and other customers who seemed to genuinely give a shit about his recent walking then running developments). Ethan was barely holding a retractable dog leash to which was attached some breed of dog that resembled a bigger Yorkshire Terrier (Julia, help me out with this one). I didn't open the door because I was afraid that Ethan, the dog, or both would go bolting out into to traffic, and the blood would be on my hands. So instead, I waited, expecting, for his mother to come scoop him up. Waited...waited...nothing, just Ethan and the dog staring. So I entered the store, and tried to hold back the toddler and dog.

As I'm talking to the man behind the counter, the dog somehow escaped the clutches of an 18-month old and began jumping on and licking my left leg. Completely annoyed by this point, instead of reaching down and acknowledging the animal, I just shook my leg until it went away. Suddenly, and man behind me in khaki short-shorts and penny loafers (you know the type), who actually turned out to be the dog's owner, not Ethan, said "Woah, look out Buddy, looks like we don't have a 'dog person' here." To which I turned around and explained to the man that I do, in fact, like dogs, just not strangers dogs jumping on me in public places. Loafers and I didn't exchange anymore smalltalk after that.
(Side note: why do people bring their lap dogs to the car garage?)

After speaking with the attendant, I turned around to the crowded waiting room to find no available seats. No, there weren't THAT many people in the room, one seat was taken up by a woman's over sized handbag, another by Loafer's dog, and yet another by Ethan. Less than impressed, I stood in the corner next to a stack of Michelin tires and sipped my coffee and read my book in disgust. (finally, the toddler moved and scrambled to steal his seat.)

Fast-forward twenty minutes, and Ethan's mom is ready to go, but apparently not Ethan as he ran across the waiting room jumped into he chair directly next to mine and began screaming as he pulled relentlessly on my arm. I thought I gave of a sufficiently annoyed vibe, but I guess not because mom just smiled and said "Oh, do you want to stay and play with him?". No he doesn't, go home. Ok, thanks.

About five minutes after they leave, a woman starts bitching to no one in particular about how she's been there since 8 am. Bitchworthy indeed, but I'm not going to get your struts replaced. In response to the complaint Loafers says, and I quote, "Squeaky wheel gets the oil, darling, tell one of those guys." Darling? Darling to a complete stranger? With that I got up and walked out to have a smoke. I couldn't take it anymore.

I then stopped at Panera for a quick lunch. As I'm waiting for my Bacon Turkey Bravo, I find myself next to yet another toddler holding a large sized fountain drink. When I look down at him, he promptly and what seemed deliberately dropped the full drink, which then exploded on the floor. Instead of mom bringing that to the attention of one of the workers, she instead scooped up Junior and headed for the door. What? Really? I witnessed a similar situation once and the Dairy Queen when a teenager and her father were eating their Blizzards and the daughter dropped hers on the floor. Again, instead of Dad alerting someone of the mess, he said "Hurry up and let's get out of here". What the hell? Who are these idiots raising children? I stand firm in my controversial opinion that people should pass a test before being allowed to procreate.

Rudeness abounds in the area it seems, and it grates on me a little more each day. I'm not sure if it's the pseudo-swanky suburban housewives with their gas guzzlers and bug-eyed designer shades or the general disinterest in others is just part of a new culture, but it's annoying the piss out of me.

I refer to the first stop of my day to illustrate the other extreme of rudeness: the drive through at Starbucks. I usually avoid going there in the morning because the people are overly nice and considerate, annoyingly so, and to the point where you question it's genuineness. When the lady at the window told me that I looked "very handsome today" (note: at this point I had not yet showered, was wearing my glasses, a ripped Nike T-shirt and a hat with grass stains on it) and to "enjoy my delicious latte on this gorgeous day" (second note: it was thunder storming at the time) I just about lost my shit. Isn't there a happy medium we can all get to, not blatant disregard and letting Fido jump on strangers, but not overcompensating your own depression by dripping strangers in 2-cent and made-up compliments? Really people, get it together.

Update

What have I been up to as of late you ask? Well, not a whole lot, but here's a week-in review submitted for your reading pleasure.

• The Dave Matthew's concert was a smashing success, I think. I'm ashamed to say that I paid absolutely no attention to the performance, but had a great time anyway. The traditional tailgating ritual turned into a frat party about a half an hour into it when it was decided that "shotgunning" beers was in order. That was the downfall of the entire night as I see it. But it was complete with gourmet burgers, peeing in the woods and a visit from some random pot-smoking stranger-friends sporting "Dee's Nuts" tee-shirts. Fast-forward about 4 hours to the concert which included $8 beers, a lost pair of shoes and a French-speaking friend and I running through the crowd jumping over people and yelling "It's O.K.! We Speak French."
• I'm preparing myself for a golf outing for work this coming weekend. My foursome includes myself and 3 middle aged women. All of whom play little to no golf. I've been out golfing maybe three times before, none of which would I ever consider elevated my playing ability. Stay tuned for the embarrassing update and pictures.
• I've been on the hunt for a new place to live with no luck in sight. My current living situation is alright, however I'm growing very tired of living under and over someone. Buying is not an option a) because I have no desire for the financial and physical responsibilities b) I am in absolutely no position to cough up any amount of house-buying cash. My search by word of mouth and online has made me feel frustrated and inadequate on a number of levels and am starting to resign myself to signing over another lease for my apartment, at least for one more year.
• I was told today by a 14 year old that I certainly wasn't the type of person to party or have fun and probably find myself sipping tea instead of "really partying". Actually, I think the term "with your pinky up" was included also. I simply agreed in modest humility and neglected to tell the youngster that I had a hard time remembering my name the previous weekend.
• Yesterday evening, in search for something "Mmm Mmm Mmm Toasty" and over priced, I dropped by Quizno's for dinner. When I asked the kid making my sandwich for the "Turkey Bacon Guacamole" sandwich, his only reply was "Gross", and made my meal in silence. Ok, thanks Quizno's kid, my guamalee was, in fact, quite delicious.
• Along with my housing search, I've also been looking (although with an obvious lack of enthusiasm) for graduate programs to obtain a Master's degree. My specifications are a bit specific, as I want/need an intensive summer program, however, the idea of it all stresses me out to the extent that every time I begin to do some research I have to take a permanent break.
• Over the weekend I watched the entire first season of "Big Love" which I really do love. I'm not sure if it's the creepy/well-written story line or the fact that you're guaranteed a graphic sex-scene in every episode, but I'm definitely a fan of the series.
  

A Quick Rundown Of The Weekend

• I watched the bartender breathe fire last night as I drank my "Flaming Dr. Pepper". Both were a sublime experience.
• A girl asked me for a condom at the bar last night. I bashfully told her I didn't have one on me, to which she replied, "You look like you'd use them all the time". Ok, thanks. ( I think) And to that I said "I don't use them period. It just feels better without."
• In order to not to have a complete claustrophobic panic attack at the tiny packed bar, Dee and I became the only bad asses bump and grind dancing in the entire place. Yeah, we looked like assholes, but at that point in the night, who cares?
  
• I was offered a challenge at Denny's at 3 a.m. that if I could order the "Lumberjack Slam" with a straight face it would be free. Offer extended, offer rejected.
• Dee found a piece of raw meat, about a half an inch big in her "Everything Omelette" this morning. Raw meat in breakfast = comped food and free muffins.
• A nice quiet hang-over breakfast directly next to a table of two families with a whopping total of 8, yes count them EIGHT, children all under the age of 4 is not as fun as it sounds. At the end of their meal, one youngster's diaper was leaking so badly he made a puddle on the chair. Nice.
• It took me well over an hour to pick up a few groceries this morning. Silly me, I forgot about the church rush at Wal-Mart.

How was Yinz's weekend?

The Return Of The Good Samaritan

Since I had no work again today, I decided that take the opportunity to run some random errands I have been putting off lately. I didn't leave my place at all yesterday, therefore, quite a bit of snow had accumulated on my car. After about 15 minutes of brushing and huffing, I decided to brush off my elderly neighbor's car, who obviously hadn't left home in a while either, while mine warmed up. Nice guy move #1. Later on, I went to the ever-dreaded Wal-Mart to get some random things, including a DVD my niece had asked me for for her birthday. When I got in the car, I had realized the cashier didn't charge me for the movie. In light of my recent run-in with the local police, I decided to go back in and bring the mistake to their attention. Something I definitely wouldn't have done had I not been paranoid about being a criminal lately. Nice guy move #2. Upon leaving the store a second time, a former student of mine told me I looked "Fly in a baseball hat". Ok, thanks. His mother also thanked me in a short conversation for being a positive adult influence in his life. Nice guy sort-of-move #3.

Not-so-nice guy move #1 today: I didn't call the person under me on the snow cancellation phone chain this morning because I didn't want to get out of bed.

Not-so-nice guy move #2: I went to Sheetz for gas today, and scornfully scanned all the workers in case they were the one to inaccurately call in my plate numbers.

When I got home today, I decided to finish cleaning the rest of my place, and cleaned the bathrooms and re-organized my closet. I also wanted to re-organize my sweaters. When I hauled them all out I almost threw up at the number of them I own. I think it's high time for a clothing clean out.

My Week As A Common Criminal

The latter half of this week has been a tumultuous one, dear readers. The beginning of the week seemed like any other. Mundane, trying and and I found myself vying for Friday. Flash-forward to Wednesday 6:40 am. Just like any other Hump Day, I grabbed my coat and coffee and trudged to my car in the cold. I began driving out of my housing plan when, to my surprise two local police cars began flashing their lights to pull me over. Knowing that it couldn't have been for speeding, my initial reaction was "WTF?!". Two police officers proceeded to shine their flashlights all through my vehicle, and tell me that my car matched a description of one that drove away with approximately $40 worth of gas last week at a local gas station. Knowing that it wasn't me, but too shocked/scared to defend myself my only reply was "OK". With that he took my license and registration and went back to the squad car to run my plates. "Your plate numbers seem to match" when he came back, "it's no coincidence". Enter extreme panic and me shitting my pants. The officer instructed me to stop by the station on Friday evening for some questioning, and sent me on my way. OK, thanks. So I spent three entire days stewing and stressing convinced that I was going to jail for something I couldn't possibly have done! I scrambled to find every gas receipt for the past 12 months and tried to retrace my steps in the past month.
I did go last night to meet with the officer, and sure enough he had a picture of my car at the gas station with my license plate number the gas attendant gave him. Luckily, I had a receipt of payment for that date and time, which proved this was some horrid mistake. I was hugely relieved, but it doesn't change the fact that I was shitting my pants for three days solid over this. Moral to the story, save all receipts and always pay for your gas. I think some celebratory partying is in store this weekend since I'm so relieved none of my friends had to bake me a cake with a file in it this week.

Tales From The Crypt

Well, I've made the voyage back to my parents house to visit for the weekend, and in my 15 short hours at home it's already been quite an interesting experience. Last night when I arrived, my parents and I decided to go to dinner to this small restaurant close to their house. I have always liked going to this place and the food is very good. It used to be a speakeasy during prohibition and the decor of the place has changed very little since then. (literally) When we got there, around 8 or so, the bar area was already full with the local drunks, which is always a highlight for me. Halfway through dinner my dad started to regale me with stories of his drinking days with "Birdman", a shifty looking man halfway sitting on his stool. And how he and "Birdman" and "Smoker" and "Chunky" used to come to that very bar well before their legal drinking age. (Which, coincidentally, I too can remember imbibing at this bar before my legal age). Then a man named "PeeWee" bought our table a round of drinks, and no one really seemed to know who "PeeWee" was. Ok, thanks for the beer PW!
At some point after arriving home my whole family feel asleep in front of the TV, and I woke up to a Marlon Brando movie at midnight.
Flash forward to this morning. My grandpa and I went out for breakfast at the town's one and only restaurant. The place is always filled with locals for breakfast, usually my grandpas age. Mixed in with our conversation I couldn't help but overhear other table's conversations which included topics such as how a black Muslim or a woman would never be good enough to run our country, the obscene number of abortions that happen and what needs to be done to stop it, and how the cold is really "doin' a number" on the local farms and cows. NOW I remember why I wanted to move far, far away. I also had the opportunity to listen to a conversation between the man who used to drive the bookmobile when I was en elementary school and his friend about flat chested women. Oh, and I forgot I had to park my car (with anti-republican propaganda bumper stickers) in between a large truck with a gun-rack and bumper sticker that said "I am the NRA and I support the President and the troops" and a small pick-up with a "G.W. Bush again in 2008" bumper sticker. Um, I'm getting the hell out of here. Now, I must say although the majority of my morning had to deal with hickish rightwinger bullshit, it's not usually the case the entire time. I guess it was just my lucky day.

Ok, Thanks!

Well, it's been here and passed already. Christmas is over, and if you're anything like me, you're left shaking your head with a Christmas hangover wondering what the hell just happened. It's such a "joyful" time of year, and fun to prepare for, but it seems so fleeting you almost don't get a chance to really enjoy it.
My Christmas was very nice, and even though it was a whirlwind, it was at the same time relaxing. Christmas morning was the traditional opening of gifts at my parents house with my sister and her family. My parents, as usual went way overboard, but I ended up getting some really cool things. My "it" gift this year is a very cool progressive alarm clock from my parents. This clock, instead of the typical beeping alarm that makes you want to throw it through your bedroom wall, emits a soft light one half hour before your set time to wake up, and gradually gets brighter throughout the thirty minutes, simulating the sunrise. While this happens, it releases aromatherapy scents that you choose as well as softly plays one of six relaxing sounds, such as the ocean, a thunderstorm, nighttime crickets or a stream in the woods. This happens for 30 minutes before your set time to wake up, each of the sense stimulators gradually gets stronger throughout this time. I've tried it the past two mornings, and it's woken me up about 15 minutes before I wanted to get up. Which, under normal circumstances would piss me off like crazy, but it's such a relaxing and invigorating feeling. I am, however, a bit apprehensive to use it when I really have to get up for work next week. I'll keep you updated on it's effectiveness.
I hope everyone had an awesome holiday. What was everyone's "it" gift this year?

Stray Cat Strut

As per Jen-nay's insightful comment "You're soooo over this blogging thing, right?", I must say that I am not over the blogging thing as much as I'm getting over the internet. I simply haven't found myself turning on my computer for days at a time lately, which is a strange difference from what previously could only be explained as a mild internet addiction. I could never spend an entire day with my computer in the room without checking my e-mail, replying on myspace or googling funny pictures to post. However, now it seems that cyberstalking and blog posts have taken a backseat to other things in my life. I do not want to give the wrong impression that my life has somehow turned more intriguing or busy, just in an internet slump I guess you could say. I would assume, that this too shall pass, and I'll be back on my blogging high horse in no time.

Tonight, when I stepped out on my porch to have a cigarette, I nearly jumped out of my skin when I realized a large black cat was circling my feet. I am by no means a cat person, but I do not hate them. This cat however creeped the shit out of me, and I ran back inside. I'm not sure if it was just the fact that it startled me so much or that I really don't like it, but that cat makes me feel pretty uncomfortable. After I closed my door it sat outside and meowed for a good half an hour. Now, this firstly annoyed me to no end and it came pretty close to driving me into a fury of insanity. But I do also have compassion, sometimes, and the meowing began to tug at my heart strings, and I have been fighting the urge to set some food on my porch for the stray. I do know that once I do that, it will be the beginning of the end, and eventually I will become a cat owner, which I do not want to become. I thought the cat had gone away after about an hour or so, but when I went back out I found him (or her, I didn't care to check) chilling on my porch chair. I'll keep you updated on the kitty drama.

I put up my Christmas tree this afternoon, which goes against my better judgment for many different reasons. For one, I don't believe in the miracle of Jesus, I also hate the corporate mind-fucking of Christmas, plus it's only December 2. But I'm a sucker for tradition and I think Christmas trees are pretty, so a chili pepper tree it is. Plus I got fun bubble lights to put on this year, and I was excited to see them in action. Stay tuned for pictures and more stories.

*By the way, I distinctly remember my parents having this exact statue as part of our holiday decor when I was growing up. Creepy isn't it?

Definitely Not Yum-mo.

Today's Hump Day leaves me with two sub-par dining experiences. After my strike duties this afternoon I went to a small tavern in the next town over. One of my work cohorts suggested the place because it was "close and has good food". Well, she was half right. I had been to the place only once before, but not to eat. The mood was set by the waitress (who had a deeper voice than I do) rolling her eyes when not everyone at the table was ready to order. When it finally came time, she blurted out "Excuse me!" and made a rolling motion as if she was too busy to wait with her hand to my friend who was having some trouble making up her mind. When all the orders were made, another friend decided to change her order, to which the waitress replied "You know, I've got other orders up and a lot of things to do". Ok, thanks. No new order. To further the ambiance, a half empty, already open liter jug of ice tea with a glass of ice was placed in front of someone who ordered the drink, and I got an economy size bottle of Hidden Valley ranch dressing which was obviously quite an old bottle that they simply kept refilling because I ordered my salad dressing "on the side". My "grilled" chicken salad was OK, except the chicken was boiled and chewy. Yum-mo numero ONE.

To treat myself further this evening because the strike is now complete, I decided to order from a gourmet pizza shop here in town. I had ordered from here before and everything was generally quite good. This place has interesting pizza choices such as the "Cypress Pizza" with feta and eggplant and the "Bacon Cheddar & Fries Pizza" (a sure artery clogger). I decided to go with the "Monte Cristo" which claims to include white sauce with sun-dried tomates, fire roasted red peppers, prosciutto, mozzarella and provolone. I also included an order of hot wings because they were on special. When the pizza came it was definitely not as gourmet as it was cracked up to be. The prosciutto was more like diced ham, no sauce and no tomatoes. The wings were freezer burnt and had no sauce. Normally I would call back and bitch, but tonight it just doesn't seem worth it. I'm taking it as a sign that I need to quit eating out and start eating better.

Long story short $35 spent today on food that was positively NOT yum-mo.

Ummm, Dreby, It's Only Monday.

So yesterday I invited some work friends over for a beer or two and some snacks. About halfway through the Oktoberfest case, I pull out a bottle of ApfelKorn apple schnapps, which I had bought to make spiked apple cider. (The helpful man at liquor store informed me when I bought it that if I bought plum brandy "the girl's panties would fall off faster". Ok, thanks.) When the ApfelKorn came out, my friend who teaches German, just started laughing. Not understanding the laughs as disapproval but encouragement, I proceeded to pass out several rounds of the schnapps then moved to Southern Comfort. By that time everyone was feeling pretty uninhibited and began salsa dancing in my kitchen. But, I guess I had the last laugh, since I found my head in the toilet at 7:30pm. Nice.

Gafas Nuevas

I picked up my new glasses today. Let me know what yinz think.

To Wii or Not To Wii, And Other Weekend Quandaries

This weekend, my good friend Shelby came down to visit. Upon her arrival we decided I should buy a Nintendo Wii. I couldn't warrant shelling out the $250 for something I know I would never use (even though we went to three different stores and looked at them, and I have ranted about how much I would love to have one). So we went to Mad Mex, had three "Big Azz" margaritas and stumbled home to put a pretty decent dent into our bottle of Southern Comfort.

This morning, Shelb and I carried out my traditional Sunday ritual by getting something to eat and shopping. It was an uneventful shopping trip, and came home empty handed. So, after she left, I decided I just hadn't spent enough money this weekend, and headed out to buy a futon couch for my spare room (which, by the way, I have made pretty good progress in cleaning out). A few hours, one bloody finger and many "FUUUCK"s later, voila, the new and improved spare room/office/sitting room/parlor:

I think it might be a little big for the room's current arrangement of desk, file cabinet and bookshelf. But I'm pretty confident that with a little rearranging it will work. I did promise an update of the room, so let's take a look at a before pic, shall we?
New dilema in my apartment, my sliding glass door in the living room doesn't lock anymore. I think this may be a little too much for Handy Andy, so I guess the real handy man will have to come take a look at that. And hopefully do something about the nice hole in my screen door a guest put there last weekend. Ok, thanks!

Always an Experience...ALWAYS.

I had to make an emergency grocery trip this evening to WalMart because I came home for work today to a refrigerator standing wide open, and I had to throw away everything in it. Ok, Thanks NyQuill for making me so groggy at 6:30 am. Shopping at WalMart always puts me in a pissy mood anyway, but tonight's antics really pushed me over the edge.
It began before I even got in the door when a man from the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review attacked me with a free newspaper. When I politely declined, he said in a tone I took to be a little snide "What, don't you like free things?" Normally I would have had a cute little comment back, but thought better of it tonight, for fear I might snap. So I ignored him, and walked in. Flashforward to the dairy case for some milk, one of my last items. DIRECTLY in front of the milk I usually buy was a mother and her middle school-aged daughter practicing pirouettes. I thought it would stop at one spin, but they just kept doing it over and over and giggling the whole time. This INFURIATED me. "Hate to break up the dance party, but could I get my milk please?" At this, they both stopped and gave me a simultaneous rude look and stepped back.
I made a stop in the condiment aisle to pick up some pickles, but was completely blocked out by a white trash family deciding whether or not they should purchase the 2 gallon size Miracle Whip (I'm not kidding). Finally, I made my way to the checkout. As I swiped my credit card, a large bubbly middle-aged woman walks right up to me, pushes my cart out of the way, bends down and says "I spy something!" I looked down, not exactly sure what was going to happen to me next, and she begins to try (with no luck) to pick up a penny someone had dropped. When she finally captured it after 30 seconds, she realized that it was face-down, therefore sure to bring bad luck, and threw it back on the floor in front of me.
Really? Is this the kind of ridicule I must face when doing my grocery shopping at a discount mega-mart? You may roll back your prices WalMart, but you seem to roll out the red carpet for everyone on the green bus.

Me No Like Grammar Check and Hi New Reader

I just realized a grave spelling error in Monday's post : I'm planning to make another trip up their next summer. Don't worry, it has been changed. Just wanted to make a big deal out of nothing. Ok, Thanks. Also, a big HI-A to Dykie! Thanks for reading! I think I'm up to two readers now thanks to you and Jen-nay!

Wedding Bell Blues

As I was making the 3 hour trek home to my parent's yesterday for my cousin's wedding, I couldn't help but think about how much I detest weddings. To me, weddings are a somewhat archaic and out of date tradition. It's sort of like pissing out your territory. And I'm not even going to BEGIN the debate on marriage equality. Another post completely. I keep wondering what an overpriced affair in front of 200 people (150 of which are there for the free meal) has to prove. According to a yahoo.com poll, the average cost of a wedding in 2007 can range anywhere from $10 to 20,oo0, NOT including the honeymoon or divorce court fees. Cost of a quarter tank of gas to your local JP: 5 bucks. According to irw.org, the average cost of feeding a starving person in Niger is about $12 a month. Which means, by America's standards, a strictly average 20K wedding could feed a starving child for over 137 years. But, in all fairness, there can never be too much white organza.

Here are some tips for surviving or dodging the ever dreaded wedding affair.
Bring a date who will drink.
Nothing is worse than drinking alone, and if you're at a boring wedding by yourself, you won't have much choice will you? Also, especially for family weddings, it's important to bring a date. Being one of the ONLY single people in my family, weddings seem to be a time for everyone in their love high euphoric state, to discuss when MY wedding will be, and then show the obligatory "My God, I'm so sorry your life sucks" look when they find out I'm STILL single.

Know the tone of the reception.
Nobody likes a dry reception, it's boring, useless and not to mention tacky.
Open Bar = Hold the luke warm buffet, I'm drinking my dinner tonight.
Dry Reception = Drop your card in the white satin wishing well and head out the door to the nearest shot of Jack Daniels.

Always dance with a grandma.
Dancing grandmas are the greatest, and they love it when you dance with them too. So what if you smell like Aspercreme afterwards? it's a great photo-op. And besides, you'll be too drunk to care anyway.

No, it's not O.K. to tap your wine glass.
Nothing pisses me off more at receptions than people who think it's cute to watch the bride and groom kiss in response to everyone clinking their glasses for the 100th time. It's not cute, it's not funny and it's incredibly annoying. So encourage everyone at the pitied singles table to boycott this tradition.

Skip the bubble blowing ceremony afterwards.
When the overly cute flower girl offers you a Dollar Store mini bubbles bottle wrapped with thin pink ribbon and a patronizing poem at the church door, say "Ok, NO thanks" and go straight to the reception (see rule 2) grab a plate full of cookies and nice stiff drink. People would have more fun if the little neighbor girl was passing out vodka shooters instead.

Find the Black-Sheep of the bride or groom's family and befriend them.
Every family's got one, and they're usually the most fun. They're typically not too hard to spot. It's probably the uncle that's slurring his speech with strangers and talking about the time he got slapped by a stripper, or the sister who is dancing by herself and spilling her beer. Initiate a conversation with them, and you may find yourself out behind the dumpsters sharing a joint and some pretty interesting conversations.

Follow these simple rules, and your wedding experience should be less painful. I wish you all the happiness in the world.