Purmin Some Sugar On Me

I decided Thursday afternoon to take a personal day leave yesterday from work, since I couldn't bear the thought of waking up another morning this week. This extra day gave me the opportunity to head home a bit early yesterday to kick off the Easter weekend festivities.

In honor of Good Friday, it's tasteless offensive joke time!!!

Q: Why did Jesus die on the cross?
A: He forgot the safe word.

In the interest of taking the road of least offensiveness and knowing when to call it quits, I'll let the joke stand on it's own.

Not to be outdone by an early Good Friday, yesterday was also Purim. Happy Belated Purim. For yin'z Gentiles that might not know, check it. According to the article, "Gaily wrapped baskets of sweets, snacks and other foodstuffs given as mishloach manot on Purim day...to friends and teachers." My gay Purim baskets must still be in the mail.

Yesterday at the folk's house was all a buzz in preparation for the festivities. I had to prepare the plastic eggs for the Easter egg hunt today (not impressed) and today was also the day of coloring eggs. Easter egg coloring has never been something I really enjoy, but usually tolerate. My father totally digs coloring eggs, for reasons yet to be discovered, and my nieces get a kick out of it. My only excitement for the whole process is opening the coloring kit boxes first and removing all stickers, shrink wraps or any other traces of a cross or the word Jesus before anyone notices. Speaking of which, another Easter tradition is the white chocolate cross everyone receives from my mother in a basket. I'll post a pic, as I'm sure I'll get one.

In other Easter news, I consumed my first whole hard boiled egg yesterday. It was alright, but I'm not sure I'd do it again. I've eaten hard cooked eggs before, but never just sat down to munch a whole one. Check that off my list.

Note: I had taken several pictures to illustrate my excitement around the house this weekend, but my camera is being a bastard. Maybe next time.

I hope everyone has a rockin' Resurrection Eve!

TV And Sex Go Hand In Hand

My internet is finally fully functional again! I seem to have a problem with "the router staying connected to the internet" so sayeth the tech guy. Well, yeah, I get that. I'm not THAT big of a moron. But how do I KEEP it connected. Well, when this happened for the 4th time, I gave the old ISP techies a call as soon as I got home. He instructed me to type in a few commands, unplug a few things and recite the Greek alphabet backwards while logging on the the internet. I was just planning on a service request, so I hadn't yet turned my computer on for the day. When I did, while I was on the phone with the guy, for some reason, my internet magically connected and I momentarily felt like the world's biggest douche bag. This fellow, however, was quite nice to me and was very helpful. Unlike previous experiences with such people. I've been pretty fed up with this service provider, also the same one who provides the cable, because they have a complete monopoly over all the media connections in my apartment complex. I am unable to get, say Verizon or Adelphia for example. I MUST go with this small company. Which would be fine (especially because I doubt their tech guys would be willing to come out so often every time I can't find the "ON" button of my computer) except for the fact that they only provide basic cable, with no guide channel. This has chapped my ass for quite a while, because I pay a pretty good penny for basic, shitty cable. I know this sounds like a petty complaint, but I'm single, lazy and need digital recording, dammit. Since digital is out the questions for now, I decided to upgrade my package to include HBO and Showtime yesterday while on the phone. A complete impulse purchase, and one that I have never afforded myself before, and I'm not quite sure why. I simply can't wait to watch all the series and movies now that everyone talks about, and looks at me like an alien when I say I've never seen.

On an unrelated note. I heard a pre-teen singing Soulja Boy's song "Superman" the other day. I've liked this song for a while, and has been one of the inspirations to ease myself back into rap and hip-hop music. I am also a grown adult. I had heard the lyrics to "Superman" were a little inappropriate from a couple people, but never really listened to the words of the song until recently. (Who really listens to hip-hop lyrics that closely?) The lyrics seem harmless enough, although "super-soaking that ho" seems to be a popular refrain. Plus I'm always game for the occasional grotesque or racy lyric. I am also a grown adult. I didn't quite get the meaning behind "Supermaning the ho" until I did a little research. If you care to know what exactly he's talking about, check out the explanation on Urban Dictionary. It's pretty concise. It shocks me that I'm shocked by this in a song. I never used to bat an eye at these things. Am I reluctantly turning into the responsible adult I never said I would be? I think what I take the most issue with is the fact that I heard a 12 year old girl singing this song, clueless and peppy as could be. Maybe it's because I now work with this age group, maybe it's because I'm growing up, maybe it's because I actually do have morals somewhere inside me.

Best For Bear Bottoms

As I sit here, pissed that I let myself get sucked into a predictable abc family movie starring Julia Stiles and her mediocre acting abilities, I am reminded that it's time for me to bitch some more about commercials that disgust me. The culprit this time, like my earlier rant about Air Wick, deals with personal and home hygiene: Charmin. All of the Charmin commercials with the animated shitting bears have always chapped my hide a bit. (I do enjoy their slogan though, "Best for Bear Bottoms" Hmm...sounds like a Craigslist I once responded to...) I believe it is because of the sheer tactlessness guised as cute humor. In the newest installment, we see Mother Bear chasing her cub with a broom and vacuum sweeping all of the toilet paper residue off his butt. The new product ensures less toilet paper on your ass. What a claim! I personally can't think of many other less pleasant things to hear about during prime time. BUT, because it's a cute bear, we can secretly relate and thank Jesus we don't have to worry about paper ass again. Another cute new one is of two bears running on the beach with worried faces. One red, the other blue. Then, two outhouses come into view. Again, one red, one blue. The doors open to find two Charmin products inside. The red is extra strong toilet paper, while the other is gentle and soft. The two then run into their respective port-a-potties, alluding to just what kind of shit they are about to take. Oh, and Handel's "Alleluia Chorus" is playing the whole time in the background. (Please note title of this version)
Some people choose to focus on gay-bashing Snickers commercials, or racy Super Bowl ads, but I seem to direct my hatred towards animated bathroom humor.

Why do people think this is cute?

Ummm, Hillary?

It's sad but true, I'm becoming less and less enchanted with Hillary Clinton as time goes on. Don't get me wrong, I would vote for her in an East Hampton minute if it means a vote against a republican. But if nothing else, her cackling on FOX news yesterday morning would have been enough to seal the deal for most. She seemed a little high, which could prove to be interesting I suppose. Hillary did a bunch of talk shows yesterday where she pumped her agenda for healthcare (of which I agree) and apparently tried to show her perfect melange of knowledge and humor, but in my humble opinion just made her look squaky. In fact, the prestigious backdrop of books in her interviews was actually a set created in a room in the back of her house for interviews. I'm sure a lot of people do this, but it's just terribly annoying. Watch this clip of her interview with Chris Wallace from FOX (who is a total douche bag by the way, but aren't they all at Fox News?) This unreasonable laugh was brought about by this question from Wallace, "Why do you and the president [Bill Clinton] have such a hyper-partisan view of politics?" Now, to me, that does seem like calling the kettle black coming from him, but really Hillary, Really?



I'm also a little pissy with her definite stance against marriage equality. And am wondering also about her new drop of her maiden name Rodham. Maybe sounded a little too matronly.

I also enjoy this clip of Fred Thompson campaigning at the NRA convention (insert any form of douche-bag here) All thats missing from the applause is a couple open-air straight up shots.