As I was making the 3 hour trek home to my parent's yesterday for my cousin's wedding, I couldn't help but think about how much I detest weddings. To me, weddings are a somewhat archaic and out of date tradition. It's sort of like pissing out your territory. And I'm not even going to BEGIN the debate on marriage equality. Another post completely. I keep wondering what an overpriced affair in front of 200 people (150 of which are there for the free meal) has to prove. According to a yahoo.com poll, the average cost of a wedding in 2007 can range anywhere from $10 to 20,oo0, NOT including the honeymoon or divorce court fees. Cost of a quarter tank of gas to your local JP: 5 bucks. According to irw.org, the average cost of feeding a starving person in Niger is about $12 a month. Which means, by America's standards, a strictly average 20K wedding could feed a starving child for over 137 years. But, in all fairness, there can never be too much white organza.Here are some tips for surviving or dodging the ever dreaded wedding affair.
Bring a date who will drink.
Nothing is worse than drinking alone, and if you're at a boring wedding by yourself, you won't have much choice will you? Also, especially for family weddings, it's important to bring a date. Being one of the ONLY single people in my family, weddings seem to be a time for everyone in their love high euphoric state, to discuss when MY wedding will be, and then show the obligatory "My God, I'm so sorry your life sucks" look when they find out I'm STILL single.
Know the tone of the reception.
Nobody likes a dry reception, it's boring, useless and not to mention tacky.
Open Bar = Hold the luke warm buffet, I'm drinking my dinner tonight.
Dry Reception = Drop your card in the white satin wishing well and head out the door to the nearest shot of Jack Daniels.
Always dance with a grandma.
Dancing grandmas are the greatest, and they love it when you dance with them too. So what if you smell like Aspercreme afterwards? it's a great photo-op. And besides, you'll be too drunk to care anyway.
No, it's not O.K. to tap your wine glass.
Nothing pisses me off more at receptions than people who think it's cute to watch the bride and groom kiss in response to everyone clinking their glasses for the 100th time. It's not cute, it's not funny and it's incredibly annoying. So encourage everyone at the pitied singles table to boycott this tradition.
Skip the bubble blowing ceremony afterwards.
When the overly cute flower girl offers you a Dollar Store mini bubbles bottle wrapped with thin pink ribbon and a patronizing poem at the church door, say "Ok, NO thanks" and go straight to the reception (see rule 2) grab a plate full of cookies and nice stiff drink. People would have more fun if the little neighbor girl was passing out vodka shooters instead.
Find the Black-Sheep of the bride or groom's family and befriend them.
Every family's got one, and they're usually the most fun. They're typically not too hard to spot. It's probably the uncle that's slurring his speech with strangers and talking about the time he got slapped by a stripper, or the sister who is dancing by herself and spilling her beer. Initiate a conversation with them, and you may find yourself out behind the dumpsters sharing a joint and some pretty interesting conversations.
Follow these simple rules, and your wedding experience should be less painful. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
2 comments:
the theme of my reception (unlikely to ever happen, but whatev) will be "a plate of cookies & a stiff drink," but you know what, that's actually my current life too, so i don't really need to get married, my life is perfect as is. ok thanks.
Well said.
Post a Comment