Manic Mondays

As inspiration from Travel Tuesdays and Jen-nay's Guamalee Thursdays, Mondays will now be "Manic Monday" (I know, all the alliteration is a little campy) I will post a picture that is representative of something in my life, something I am thinking or feeling or something that amuses me at the time. I won't post a story or any explanation. I'll let you, my faithful reader(s?) determine what it is I'm musing about. Stay tuned for tomorrows fist installment!

Best For Bear Bottoms

As I sit here, pissed that I let myself get sucked into a predictable abc family movie starring Julia Stiles and her mediocre acting abilities, I am reminded that it's time for me to bitch some more about commercials that disgust me. The culprit this time, like my earlier rant about Air Wick, deals with personal and home hygiene: Charmin. All of the Charmin commercials with the animated shitting bears have always chapped my hide a bit. (I do enjoy their slogan though, "Best for Bear Bottoms" Hmm...sounds like a Craigslist I once responded to...) I believe it is because of the sheer tactlessness guised as cute humor. In the newest installment, we see Mother Bear chasing her cub with a broom and vacuum sweeping all of the toilet paper residue off his butt. The new product ensures less toilet paper on your ass. What a claim! I personally can't think of many other less pleasant things to hear about during prime time. BUT, because it's a cute bear, we can secretly relate and thank Jesus we don't have to worry about paper ass again. Another cute new one is of two bears running on the beach with worried faces. One red, the other blue. Then, two outhouses come into view. Again, one red, one blue. The doors open to find two Charmin products inside. The red is extra strong toilet paper, while the other is gentle and soft. The two then run into their respective port-a-potties, alluding to just what kind of shit they are about to take. Oh, and Handel's "Alleluia Chorus" is playing the whole time in the background. (Please note title of this version)
Some people choose to focus on gay-bashing Snickers commercials, or racy Super Bowl ads, but I seem to direct my hatred towards animated bathroom humor.

Why do people think this is cute?

Bechamel Is Up With That?

Today, my French phrase a day calendar told me "Everything is better with bechamel sauce". I plan on spending the weekend disproving that theory.

No Spin Zone...

I've been wanting to blog this for several days, since I first heard about it, but I haven' had the chance. And now it's big new. So, in case you haven't heard, Bill O'Reilly is a racist back-tracking bastard. Recently Bill recounted a trip he made with Al Sharpton to Harlem restaurant Sylvia's. Commenting on his dining experience in the predominately black restaurant; "I couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City,... There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who [was] screaming,'M-Fer was, I want more iced tea," . He goes on to say "[It] was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn't any kind of craziness at all." Really? You mean, black people eat at restaurants the same way rich white Republican men do? I had no idea!
O'Reilly has taken a lot of heat for this lately, and some have compared his comments to that of fellow right-wing cohort Don Imus. Bill's dining partner that afternoon even said his comments were "disturbing and surprising".

In his own defense, O'Reilly has said that if one listened to the entire conversation, he was making a social commentary on the outrageousness of racism. People have made the comment that his point was taken out of context, and perhaps he was a bit inarticulate. Bill O'Reilly is a lot of things, but inarticulate is not one of them. He's well spoken (although most things spoken are bullshit), and knows how to talk on television. I think he knew exactly what he was saying, and how he was saying it, because really, who is his fan base? His comment can be skewed to sound sarcastically anti-racist, but at the end of the day, he just comes off sounding like a bigot.

Travel Tuesday

Pass the poi ma hallo, today's Travel Tuesday doesn't even require a passport! HAWAII


I tend to shrug off the old adage "There's too much I want to see in my country before I travel abroad", but I make several exceptions. One of which is Hawaii. I have never heard one bad thing about the place, and I'm frankly disgusted I haven't been there yet. It seems a bit over done and touristy, but really, what isn't these days. I would go for the roast suckling pig alone. I do hope to make it to the American paradise soon. This one may actually be attainable in the near future! And the waves sure beat hangin'-10 on the Ohi-a!

Move Over Martha...

I feel as though I've had quite a productive day today, and that's not a feeling I get too often. So, I'm blogging that. This evening, I rearranged my spare room. As you know, I get on a kick, and I won't let it die. I'm pretty pleased with the new arrangement, but I'm sure it will change. I also returned a pair of pants that don't fit, and bought 2 new CDs, which excites me since I haven't bought a new CD since BMG music club. I got "Sliver" by Nirvana which is a collection of demos of all their famous songs, and "OK Computer" by Radiohead which contains their best song in my opinion "Karma Police". Then I made some kick-ass jambalaya with andoullie and chicken, read through some old magazines and then made cookies! I'm such a domestic goddess tonight. And on top of that, today I taught a cool class about Salvador Dali and why you would have to be on drugs to create and do some of the things he did. All in all I feel pretty good about my day, which is good because I have an entire day of meetings to look forward to tomorrow.

Ummm, Hillary?

It's sad but true, I'm becoming less and less enchanted with Hillary Clinton as time goes on. Don't get me wrong, I would vote for her in an East Hampton minute if it means a vote against a republican. But if nothing else, her cackling on FOX news yesterday morning would have been enough to seal the deal for most. She seemed a little high, which could prove to be interesting I suppose. Hillary did a bunch of talk shows yesterday where she pumped her agenda for healthcare (of which I agree) and apparently tried to show her perfect melange of knowledge and humor, but in my humble opinion just made her look squaky. In fact, the prestigious backdrop of books in her interviews was actually a set created in a room in the back of her house for interviews. I'm sure a lot of people do this, but it's just terribly annoying. Watch this clip of her interview with Chris Wallace from FOX (who is a total douche bag by the way, but aren't they all at Fox News?) This unreasonable laugh was brought about by this question from Wallace, "Why do you and the president [Bill Clinton] have such a hyper-partisan view of politics?" Now, to me, that does seem like calling the kettle black coming from him, but really Hillary, Really?



I'm also a little pissy with her definite stance against marriage equality. And am wondering also about her new drop of her maiden name Rodham. Maybe sounded a little too matronly.

I also enjoy this clip of Fred Thompson campaigning at the NRA convention (insert any form of douche-bag here) All thats missing from the applause is a couple open-air straight up shots.

To Wii or Not To Wii, And Other Weekend Quandaries

This weekend, my good friend Shelby came down to visit. Upon her arrival we decided I should buy a Nintendo Wii. I couldn't warrant shelling out the $250 for something I know I would never use (even though we went to three different stores and looked at them, and I have ranted about how much I would love to have one). So we went to Mad Mex, had three "Big Azz" margaritas and stumbled home to put a pretty decent dent into our bottle of Southern Comfort.

This morning, Shelb and I carried out my traditional Sunday ritual by getting something to eat and shopping. It was an uneventful shopping trip, and came home empty handed. So, after she left, I decided I just hadn't spent enough money this weekend, and headed out to buy a futon couch for my spare room (which, by the way, I have made pretty good progress in cleaning out). A few hours, one bloody finger and many "FUUUCK"s later, voila, the new and improved spare room/office/sitting room/parlor:

I think it might be a little big for the room's current arrangement of desk, file cabinet and bookshelf. But I'm pretty confident that with a little rearranging it will work. I did promise an update of the room, so let's take a look at a before pic, shall we?
New dilema in my apartment, my sliding glass door in the living room doesn't lock anymore. I think this may be a little too much for Handy Andy, so I guess the real handy man will have to come take a look at that. And hopefully do something about the nice hole in my screen door a guest put there last weekend. Ok, thanks!

I don't have anything particularly exciting or interesting to say today, but I plan on celebrating USA Week with Jen-nay and all my other single and happy friends!

I am sitting here watching the series premier of Kid Nation. Something which Jen-nay had blogged earlier which blew my mind. And 40 minutes into the first show, I have run a full gambit of emotions. It's pretty annoying and painful, and in fact I turned it after the first 20 minutes, because I couldn't take it anymore, but I turned it back. Partly because there is nothing else on, and partly because it's much like an accident from which you just can't look away. The kids are bratty, clueless, annoying, too big for their britches and funny. All at the same time; and the kids seem a bit too prompted or scripted. I think another turn off of this show for me is the fact that it reminds me too much of my work. I can't quite decide how I feel about this show, but I have an idea that it will not become part of my weekly Hump Day routine.

Travel Tuesday

Today's Travel Tuesday is a bit of a cliché, but I think it's a required destination on any travel wish list: PARIS
I have always wanted to go to gay Paris, and the fact that I'm a French-speaker and have never been there is a little upsetting. I would love to spend some serious time doing all of the necessary tourist sites, and sitting in a cafe all afternoon. Some requisites would definitely be The Louvre, shopping on the Champs-Élysées, and of course La Tour Eiffel. Some day mon cherie, some day.

C'est magnifique!

: - ) Is Older, (And Wiser) Than Me

Happy Birthday : -) smiley! It's your time to shine! According to an MSNBC.com article, tomorrow is the 25th anniversary of the keystrokes heard around the world: the ever dreaded colon, hyphen, parenthesis e-smiley. The precursor to every slanty mouthed, money eyed, almost throwing up face we all love to add to our instant messages and e-mails to be extra cute and annoying. I was completely unaware that this world-famous smiley emoticon is a local phenomenon, created by one Scott E. Fahlman, a professor at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh. According to him, he was the first ever to post this symbol on September 19, 1982 at 11:44 am on an online discussion board about the lack of emotion in online communication. "I propose the following character sequence for joke markers: :-)," wrote Fahlman. "Read it sideways."

THNX Fahlman for making cyberspace so much cuter. ;-(

Leave Britney Alone!

In case you've missed it, here it is. A man named Chris Crocker has come to the rescue of poor Britney, and challenged the world to just "leave Britney alone!".

I love this edited clip of his rant for four reasons:

1. The fact that it says "This crazy girl is really crying for Britney Spears".
2. The music in the background.
3. The crazy face editing.
4. The twat shot.

I guess I should prequel this with the actual clip of Britney being a hot mess that sparked the outrage of one Chris Crocker. It's Britney Bitch.

Local Man Succumbs to Addiction.

In my boredom the other day, I happened upon a fun website called "Learning To Love You More" which is an interactive website which gives you assignments to perform. Some examples are "Make an encouraging banner" or "Draw an constellation from someone's freckles". Readers submit a picture, video or text of their completed assignment. They are then posted online. I think this is an awesome idea, and decided to complete one of the assignments. I probably will not submit it, but I think there would be some fun things to do. The one I chose to do is number 60, "Write a press release about an everyday event". I have to admit, this is a direct idea steal from a friend's blog who wrote about this website, which made me check it out. She also wrote a press lease and submitted and blogged it. Thus, I have no original ideas. However, I did write about a different topic. Mine reads more like a news segment script from the 6 o'clock news, which I think makes it funnier, but I picture video clips and reporters with it. Below is my press release.

Local Man Succumbs to Addiction.

“Sometimes you forget, and that’s when the craving gets intense…” is what one local man has to say about an incredible journey he won’t soon forget. “…that’s when you just have to do it.”

Early Sunday afternoon was business as usual in a bustling northern suburb. One man, (who will be referred to as Joe Camel to protect his identity) had just come home from his weekly grocery shopping. “I had just pulled in my driveway and began to unload my groceries. I had no idea this would have happened to me.” Once he was unpacked and was ready to begin a lazy afternoon, terror struck. “I sat down on my couch, and it hit me, I couldn’t believe it.” But believe it he soon did when he realized one very grave item he forgot to pick-up; his cigarettes. “I checked my pack on the counter, and was horrified. I completely forgot to buy more cigarettes. This just doesn’t happen to me.”

A faithful consumer of Camel Special Lights, Camel never likes to find himself without his guilty vice. He immediately sprung into action, and had to make a quick, very important decision. To go or not to go? But Camel already knew the answer. “I didn’t have time to react. I knew it was now, or an hour from now when I really wouldn’t want to go back out. So I did what anyone in my situation would do. Drove back to Sheetz.”.

“Sometimes you forget, and that’s when the craving gets intense, that’s when you just have to do it.” And do it he did, in a big way. “I decided to go for it and just buy the carton. That way, I’ll have back up if this ever is to happen again…God forbid.”

“It’s nice to hear the joke in his voice. It’s almost as if nothing happened. ” says a neighbor. “He made a quick recovery, I’m real proud of him”.

It’s hard to believe that this could happen to someone, but if you ever find yourself in this situation, Camel has one piece of advice for you: buy the carton.

A Case of the Hump Day...

Today is a very blah day for me. Not a bad day, just blah. I feel very unmotivated and even less creative. I'm validating my laziness because my horoscope today said "This is a good day for you to stay in and rest, dear Cancer." I am a "dear Cancer", wouldn't you say? The perfect melange of crab and 69.


In my boredom this evening, I did find out an interesting tidbit about myself from quizme.com. My DJ name would be DJ Wicked Wang. (See above Cancer statement) This, of course, is of no surprise to me.

andrew spins tunes as DJ Wicked Wang Get your dj name @ Quiz Meme

It also seems that my neighbor is constructing a great arc to save humanity, since I have heard nothing but hammering since approximately 4:30. (Current time 7:45 EST) It appears the building must be done very slowly, one nail at a time with exactly four deliberate strikes from the hammer. I might just have to go against my horoscope's better judgment today and get out. In the mere interest of my sanity.

Travel Tuesday

Travel Tuesday presents: CAMBODIA

Go to this link and watch a quick clip from The Travel Channel's awesome series "1,000 Places To See Before You Die". I want to travel through Asia, and the culture and history of Cambodia is quite interesting. Although it's not exactly the safest nor most practical travel destination, this is a travel wish list, isn't it?

What's On Your Boob Tube?

As a sort of nouveau TV junkie, I'm really excited about the new seasons of shows coming up this fall. Fire up your TiVos, here are a few that I'm looking forward to make part of my nightly routine.

Dirty Sexy Money (ABC Wednesdays @10)
Besides having the best TV title since The Flying Nun, it also stars Peter Krause, someone I became quite intrigued with during my Johnny-come-lately fling with Six Feet Under. In this series, he plays a snippy attorney who becomes a family's personal lawyer. Men's Journal says "TV doesn't need another wealthy, dysfunctional family, but an exception can be made for one that melds the Kennedys with the Hiltons and includes Donald Sutherland." And I couldn't agree more.

Cavemen (ABC Tuesdays @ 8)
I know, I know. But I have been looking forward to this series for some time now. The Geico cavemen commercials have always been a guilty pleasure of mine, and now that they have their own series I have to watch. At least until the overly played out culture gap becomes too much to bear.


Cane (CBS Tuesdays @ 10)
Although it might be a tad melodramatic, the preview for this soap-operaesque series looks pretty good. (BTW, spell-check for that word suggests Kafkaesque. That's a real word?) Starring Jimmy Smits, Nestor Carbonell (who played the hunky gay guy on Suddenly Susan, if it's not too painful to remember that show) and a flock of other Latino sounding actors , I think this drama about a Cuban family running a rum business will be a hit. A review online compares it to a modern Godfather. Good enough for me!


Flipping Out (Bravo Tuesdays @ 10)
Not necessarily a brand new show, since it premiered earlier this summer, but an entertaining one none the less. This new reality show follows the life of extremely anal and OCD Jeff Lewis, a seemingly very successful house flipper in CA. Not only are his strange habits entertaining enough, but the rest of his employees, friends and ex-boyfriend turned business partner make it worth the watch.

These, along with my NBC favorites like The Office, Scrubs and 30 Rock should make this fall's TV viewing pretty enjoyable!

BBC News Coverage on Creationism Museum

BODIES

Early next month, the Carnegie Science Center in Pittsburgh will open it's Atalanta-based exhibit "BODIES...The Exhibition" which will run until May of '08. The exhibit takes unclaimed human bodies, (which clearly creates part of the controversy surrounding the exhibit) and preserves them using a technique called polymer preservation. The bodies, removed of their skin, are posed in many positions, like riding a bike, or playing soccer. It also will highlight body parts and organs which were disease ridden, such as a smoker's lung with cancer next to a healthy one, and will show the consequences of unhealthy lifestyles on the body. I am reminded of the first time I bought a pack of cigarettes in South America and saw next to the health warning a black lung extracted from a cancer victim, with the warning "Will Cause Lung Cancer". The sight of this, by the way, didn't even make the locals flinch.

When I first heard of this exhibit several years ago, my reaction was like most people, grossed out but sickly fascinated. A sort of med school study meets Hannibal Lecter. According to an article in today's Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, some of the first bodies have already arrived to the city for a preview event, and are greeted with concerns and complaints by some Pittsburgh residents. I can somewhat understand people's contempt for the showcase. It's morbid, mildly disgusting, and for anyone with a fear of dead bodies (like myself) a tad frightening. Concerns about this exhibition include the way the bodies were obtained. According to an article at nationalgeographic.com, unclaimed and unidentified bodies are made available for medical research. In this article, Roy Glover, professor at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and a spokesperson for the exhibit, says that the main goal for this exhibit is public education. In my opinion, this exhibit should be seen as just that, a hugely educational experience and should also be appreciated for it's cutting edge and "in your face" look at disease and unhealthy living. However, opponents of the exhibit, such as Arthur Caplan, director of the Center for Bioethics at the University of Pennsylvania states that "...there is a fine line between education and exploitation..." the article goes on to say.

On a related note, I always get a little annoyed when people complain about controversial museum displays and especially art exhibits. Isn't that the objective of any good artist to provoke ideas and controversy? Shouldn't people go into these displays with that mindset? Furthermore, if you REALLY feel you will be offended by the art, why waste your time and go? You obviously have a hard time appreciating art anyway.

In the same Post-Gazette article mentioned earlier, David Hillenbrand, president and CEO of the Carnegie Museums, mentions the complaints people had made about a piece in the Art Museum's current exhibit "Viva Vetro! Glass Alive!" called "Freedom of Speech Cup". This three-inch high red, white and blue cup with the word FUCK printed on it caused quite a stir from some spectators, something I vaguely remember reading about this summer, but dismissed it as annoying. I suppose that is the exact reaction the artist was looking for when it was created, however, don't the complainants see the irony in their outrage? I would imagine, these are the same people who order (and I shudder as I type) freedom fries with their tuna salad hoagie.

Art is meant to be controversial, create controversy and be thought provoking. One artist that comes to mind, and is one of my personal favorites the Dadaist Marcel Duchamp who's 1917 piece "Fountain" (which I had the chance to see last summer in Philadelphia) raised more than a few eyebrows.

This also parallels complaints by right-wing creationists about dinosaur fossil exhibits at museums, because obviously they didn't exist. Something Hillenbrand also mentions in his article. Which reminds me of a museum I have to see to believe. The Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY which brings "the Bible to life". A complete museum proving the fact that one God created everything and evolution is a sham. I don't have a lot to say on this matter that hasn't already been brought up and beat to death, but I just find it staggering that an entire museum can be opened trying to, once and for all, scientifically prove that there is a god. Disproving evolution is quite a feat, in my opinion, and even if there was a god, couldn't he or she have set the wheels of evolution into motion?

The Boom Boom Room

I was just channel surfing and happened to stop on FOX news to catch Geraldo Rivera sending off to a commercial in front of some war protesters. The story coming up after the break was, of course, about Sen. Craig and the bathroom scandal. To send off, he says "Up next, we'll be talking about gay sex in the men's room. I bet these protesters know a lot about gay sex in the men's room". Cut to a recreated clip of the bottom of a bathroom stall with a mans foot tapping and the caption read "Boom Boom Boom, Let's Go To The Men's Room". Outraged by what I heard and saw, I of course kept watching after the break, and it only got better. Coming back on an aerial view of the protesters, Geraldo said "We're back and so is the radical, some communisit group, no, I don't know who the hell they are." Who the FUCK is Gerlado Rivera, and where does he get off? Whether you agree with the protesters or not, isn't it the job of any good reporter to stay unbiased on all issues? (By the way, no other mention of the protest has been made, and all I can gather is that they are protesting there because FOX news set up there.) I guess that is what you should expect from the "fair and balanced" news station of FOX, but his comments just seem WAY out of line. To go on, he calls the group "One of the least attractive group of protesters I have ever seen". Really? GERALDO has the right of calling them unattractive?

The best part of the segment was the story about the sex scandal by Laurie Dhue done completely in a men's public restroom mixed with dramatizations of what happened.

Instead of ranting and bitching about the absurdity of everything I just saw and heard, I'm going to let it speak for itself. The sad thing is, for a lot of America, this is their only news source.

Always an Experience...ALWAYS.

I had to make an emergency grocery trip this evening to WalMart because I came home for work today to a refrigerator standing wide open, and I had to throw away everything in it. Ok, Thanks NyQuill for making me so groggy at 6:30 am. Shopping at WalMart always puts me in a pissy mood anyway, but tonight's antics really pushed me over the edge.
It began before I even got in the door when a man from the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review attacked me with a free newspaper. When I politely declined, he said in a tone I took to be a little snide "What, don't you like free things?" Normally I would have had a cute little comment back, but thought better of it tonight, for fear I might snap. So I ignored him, and walked in. Flashforward to the dairy case for some milk, one of my last items. DIRECTLY in front of the milk I usually buy was a mother and her middle school-aged daughter practicing pirouettes. I thought it would stop at one spin, but they just kept doing it over and over and giggling the whole time. This INFURIATED me. "Hate to break up the dance party, but could I get my milk please?" At this, they both stopped and gave me a simultaneous rude look and stepped back.
I made a stop in the condiment aisle to pick up some pickles, but was completely blocked out by a white trash family deciding whether or not they should purchase the 2 gallon size Miracle Whip (I'm not kidding). Finally, I made my way to the checkout. As I swiped my credit card, a large bubbly middle-aged woman walks right up to me, pushes my cart out of the way, bends down and says "I spy something!" I looked down, not exactly sure what was going to happen to me next, and she begins to try (with no luck) to pick up a penny someone had dropped. When she finally captured it after 30 seconds, she realized that it was face-down, therefore sure to bring bad luck, and threw it back on the floor in front of me.
Really? Is this the kind of ridicule I must face when doing my grocery shopping at a discount mega-mart? You may roll back your prices WalMart, but you seem to roll out the red carpet for everyone on the green bus.

Me No Like Grammar Check and Hi New Reader

I just realized a grave spelling error in Monday's post : I'm planning to make another trip up their next summer. Don't worry, it has been changed. Just wanted to make a big deal out of nothing. Ok, Thanks. Also, a big HI-A to Dykie! Thanks for reading! I think I'm up to two readers now thanks to you and Jen-nay!

Handy Andy

To start my Hump Day, I ripped my kitchen cupboard door right off this morning while trying to make toast. This is not the first time I've done this either. I've repaired this same door TWICE already. I never was much of a handyman I guess. I think I may just leave it as is for a while. Adds a bit of whimsy to my kitchen, don't you think?

In other news, I bought a new hair gel, or pomade as they say, today. It's called magnetik by Schwarzkopf. The catchy misspelling alone would have sold me, but this hair product is the first of it's kind to contain pheromones. So, the marketing ploy is, put this in your hair and people will want to have sex with you. The box reads, (and I'm not clever enough to make this up) 4: guys who want texture, hold and game. ...magnetik texturizing pomade contains pheromones- a man's secret edge to make the ladies take notice. Increase your player potential, and of course, texturize and sculpt with serious hold that's never crunchy. The action is all yours- no strings attached. Sayonara Old Spice, there's a new pussy magnet in town! With packaging this good, I couldn't resist. And hell, if it works, it may even be worth the $5.50. Only thing needed to make it complete is a bottle of malt liquor and the morning after pill. I'll keep you posted on it's effectiveness.

Travel Tuesday

Today's Travel Tuesday destination is someplace I've wanted to visit for a very long time; Machu Piccu
Although I've been to South America twice, I've never been able to make it into Peru to visit the ancient Inca city ruins. I've always found South America fascinating, especially ancient civilizations, and fell in love with it when I was there studying. Several friends and I are trying to plan a trip to Machu Piccu this coming summer, but it seems I don't quite make enough money for that right now! I did see in last month's Men's Journal a little snippet from wildland.com about an 11-day trip hiking along the Inca Trail, but you stay in lodges with fireplaces and Jacuzzis. (MY kind of hiking) All to the tune of about 4 grand. Although I would love to do the hike, I think I'm going to have to do it the old fashioned hippie way, with a pack on my back and granola in my hand.

Oh My God, I'm Organizin'!

My goal for September: organize/re-do my office/second bedroom. Ever since I moved into my place a full year ago, I have always used this room as a place to just throw the stuff I don't want to look at anymore. I also had to run right out and buy a brand new desk and bookshelf to put in here when I first moved in, since I was convinced I would use it all the time. Number of times I've sat at my desk to do actual work: 0.00. That's all changing now. By the end of the month I hope to have this place completely cleaned out and organized, and hopefully with some new furniture for my overnight guests to crash on. I'll keep you posted!

Karma Police

Well the holiday weekend is winding down, which means back to work tomorrow. My weekend was enjoyable yet uneventful, as most time spent at my parents is. I did survive my cousin's wedding on Saturday, which turned out to be one hell of a time; while it lasted. I found it INSANELY annoying that the wedding and reception were approximately 1.5 hours away from each other. The ceremony was quick, and it was off to the party. A very casual affair with an open bar (my favorite) I wasted no time, and was drunk in about 2 hours. It also helps to have a fun family that drinks. By the end of the evening I was slurring my speech and jitterbugging with my sister. And that's about all I remember. My one peeve about the evening: Lights on-everyone out at 10 PM! I was just getting started. But perhaps it's better. After seeing the shape of everyone there, I think if it lasted all night, we would have ended up in the hospital.

Sunday morning I woke up with a headache and headed out with a friend to Lily Dale Assembly which is about 45 minutes from my parents house. Lily Dale is the largest Spiritualist community in the country. People like John Edwards (the psychic, not the homophobe presidential candidate) and Sylvia Brown give lectures there. It is a gated community of mediums, psychics and Spiritualists with a pretty interesting vibe. I don't really believe in psychics or Spiritualism for that matter, but I have always wanted to check this place out, as I have lived in the area all my life and never been there. Since Sunday was the last day of the season, things were pretty quiet, and I didn't even go to a personal reading; something I regret now, but still can't warrant shelling out the 60 bucks to do it. I'm planning to make another trip up there next summer when I can organize and coordinate it a little better. The day wasn't a complete loss, since it was beautiful out and it is a very charming community to stroll around in.

My weekend concluded with a family picnic at my parents house today, and the 3 hour hike back home. Stay tuned for Travel Tuesday and more rants!

Wedding Bell Blues

As I was making the 3 hour trek home to my parent's yesterday for my cousin's wedding, I couldn't help but think about how much I detest weddings. To me, weddings are a somewhat archaic and out of date tradition. It's sort of like pissing out your territory. And I'm not even going to BEGIN the debate on marriage equality. Another post completely. I keep wondering what an overpriced affair in front of 200 people (150 of which are there for the free meal) has to prove. According to a yahoo.com poll, the average cost of a wedding in 2007 can range anywhere from $10 to 20,oo0, NOT including the honeymoon or divorce court fees. Cost of a quarter tank of gas to your local JP: 5 bucks. According to irw.org, the average cost of feeding a starving person in Niger is about $12 a month. Which means, by America's standards, a strictly average 20K wedding could feed a starving child for over 137 years. But, in all fairness, there can never be too much white organza.

Here are some tips for surviving or dodging the ever dreaded wedding affair.
Bring a date who will drink.
Nothing is worse than drinking alone, and if you're at a boring wedding by yourself, you won't have much choice will you? Also, especially for family weddings, it's important to bring a date. Being one of the ONLY single people in my family, weddings seem to be a time for everyone in their love high euphoric state, to discuss when MY wedding will be, and then show the obligatory "My God, I'm so sorry your life sucks" look when they find out I'm STILL single.

Know the tone of the reception.
Nobody likes a dry reception, it's boring, useless and not to mention tacky.
Open Bar = Hold the luke warm buffet, I'm drinking my dinner tonight.
Dry Reception = Drop your card in the white satin wishing well and head out the door to the nearest shot of Jack Daniels.

Always dance with a grandma.
Dancing grandmas are the greatest, and they love it when you dance with them too. So what if you smell like Aspercreme afterwards? it's a great photo-op. And besides, you'll be too drunk to care anyway.

No, it's not O.K. to tap your wine glass.
Nothing pisses me off more at receptions than people who think it's cute to watch the bride and groom kiss in response to everyone clinking their glasses for the 100th time. It's not cute, it's not funny and it's incredibly annoying. So encourage everyone at the pitied singles table to boycott this tradition.

Skip the bubble blowing ceremony afterwards.
When the overly cute flower girl offers you a Dollar Store mini bubbles bottle wrapped with thin pink ribbon and a patronizing poem at the church door, say "Ok, NO thanks" and go straight to the reception (see rule 2) grab a plate full of cookies and nice stiff drink. People would have more fun if the little neighbor girl was passing out vodka shooters instead.

Find the Black-Sheep of the bride or groom's family and befriend them.
Every family's got one, and they're usually the most fun. They're typically not too hard to spot. It's probably the uncle that's slurring his speech with strangers and talking about the time he got slapped by a stripper, or the sister who is dancing by herself and spilling her beer. Initiate a conversation with them, and you may find yourself out behind the dumpsters sharing a joint and some pretty interesting conversations.

Follow these simple rules, and your wedding experience should be less painful. I wish you all the happiness in the world.